WE ARE BRIGHT PINK

Jaclyn
I was 20 years old when I tested positive for the brca 1 gene mutation. Before I even got tested, I decided that I had the gene mutation. I wanted to convince myself that I was brca 1 positive and that it was no big deal. The doctors could tell me I was positive, and it would be as though they were just reminding me of something I already knew. Or, if they told me I was negative, it would be unexpected great news. But I couldn't get my hopes up- I didn't want to be let down. When my genetics counselor was about to reveal my results, all the hope that I had suppressed and stomped out came flooding into me all at once. I had never wanted anything more than for her to just say "negative". But she told me "positive", and all the hope immediately sank and vanished. I still didn't want to be hurt though, so I kind of just blocked it out, and tried to go back to pretending that I had known I was positive all along.
It wasn't until over a year later that I faced my real and deeper emotions about my results. I was just playing with my hair and I suddenly actually really connected with the thought that it might all fall out someday. I don't know why, but before when I though about being "positive" I never got to the point of imagining what it would be like if I got cancer. Losing your hair seems like such a minor thing compared to so many other cancer experiences, but it was the thing that finally brought the weight of all my emotions and all the possibilities down onto my reality. I cried for a while and threw a private tantrum, but when that was over, I felt a little better.